I have been a foster parent for 4 years now. As of today's date, 21 children have passed through my home. While I have always felt God leading me to foster (adoption not being my ultimate goal), I did become licensed to adopt.....JUST in case.
oAfter 2 difficult cases in a row, I had (withing a week) 2 little girls placed with me. These girls came to me as sweet precious babies!! First, a non verbal 2 year old.....then, 6 days later...an almost perfect month old. I will be honest enough to say that these 2 girls have been the EASIEST foster children I have ever housed. If every case was this easy...people would be lining up to be foster parents, and very little training would be required!! And, then it happened.....
After being in my home for around 7 months, the case worker for the baby (almost 1 at this time) told me the case was going to termination.....and they really want me to adopt her. I was overjoyed! We had bonded so well. I had experienced every first with her. First tooth, first word, first step.....everything. Here it was! IF EVER God wanted me to adopt a child.....it just HAD to be her, right??
So, the prayers began. I had so many people praying alongside me. All I requested from God was a peace about what He would have me do. And, I waited...and prayed...and waited....and prayed. My heart broke the day I realized that God had other plans for this little girl. That I had been all that God needed me to be. Her middle mom. The one who would love her until He had prepared her forever home. The one who would give her the foundation of God's love, my love, security, peace, strength. But, I was not to give her a permanent home.
Now, as I said, I have been a foster mom for 4 years. And, many kids have come and gone. And, many more will come and go. But, NEVER has a child left.....when I had the option to have them stay. This was the hard part. This was where the faith my parents instilled in me, the knowledge that God is in control, that He has a plan.....this is where I had to (pardon me for using a pat phrase) "Let go, and let God". And, I did. On March 7th, 2013 at 9am....this little girl whom I loved with all my heart...left my home. I cried, the caseworker even cried. And, I could sound like a really good Christian girl and tell you that I cried tears of joy because I knew she was going where God wanted her to be. But, no. Those tears will come later. The tears I cried that day were tears of sorrow...heart wrenching sorrow. That I could have said yes, and she would still be here. That just one word from me, and she would be mine forever. Then, I remembered something my parents have told me many times. I am not theirs...not because I am adopted, but because I am God's child, and He has simply loaned me to them. So, whether my precious girl stayed here, or left to go to another forever home....she will always be God's precious girl. Therefore, I have a peace about making sure HIS child is in the home He has chosen for her.....and will continue to pray for her. Daily. Forever. Because He loaned her to me for a little while......she will always have a piece of my heart.
Maybe I should change the title to this post.....maybe I didn't say goodbye. Maybe I said, I will see you in heaven one day my sweet precious girl.
